The Patch

January 7, 2007

Monday 8th January 2007

Filed under: Miscellany — alice86 @ 11:20 pm


Why must this mundane statement materialize so abundantly? It appears on your doorstep with the littering literature the Jehovah’s Witnesses spray everywhere, with shining supermarket adverts, my inbox is spammed (how novel!) and television is inundated with insulting Weight Watcher’s and diet adverts: ways to Slim Fast, drop two dress sizes in JUST TWO WEEKS! And generally, just become something you’re not. Provided that something is a size six, sleek, svelte goddess with glowing flawless skin and a fashionable yet affordable wardrobe that looks sexy yet not sluttish. Face it, you might have indulged a little over Christmas, but in the likely event this sort of thing is attainable, surely it would take a little more than JUST TWO WEEKS exclamation marks galore?

Instead, it’s far more realistic to take those “My mother ran away with my boyfriend who has now been imprisoned and she’s given birth to the wrong baby due to an I.V.F. blunder” Jeremy Kyle style articles in glossily garish sixty pence mags as you sit in the hairdressers and hope life never succumbs to Soapland Territory. But if it does, at least there’s the option of selling your tragic life story to aforementioned media and receiving a cash reward. Or, you could always make one up. Can it be that hard?

So, your life can’t get any worse, huh? Your jeans are tight, your liver is damaged, you have a dentist appointment with Jim to fix that painful root canal, you’ve yet to start revision/ work/ all those resolutions you had because you’re ever so slightly distracted by the Friends re-runs that are still coursing their shiny electromagnetic waves through the television rather like the way that ‘flu’ virus spreads through your blood stream. This is the time of year to, as they say, get a grip on yourself. Quit with the Detox, Detox, Detox and perhaps just start enjoying what you’ve got. As Joni Mitchell sang, you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone. Just forget that little parking lot bit.

Say hypothetically, you were to start this self-improvement lark; how long is it possible to keep it up for? Who hasn’t promised they’ll get fit for the New Year and then indulged on copious amounts of chocolate before the week ended? In fact, that’s the whole purpose of these resolutions: no-one keeps them, anyone claims to is lying and it’s something for a stuck journalist to write about annually. But let’s just try. I intend to start kickboxing. It has now been said publicly and now must be kept or else a fool I shall look.

Seriously, how hard can it be? All of us have already won the toughest battle; we’re alive. (Unfortunately, so is Celine Dion but look at all these wonderful things apart from her and her “music”!) Come the spring there’ll be ducklings, moorhens and cygnets on the canal resembling pipe-cleaner bundles of colourful fluff- hopefully without last year’s H5N1; little gallivanting lambs will be about to mature into a lovely Sunday meal; tiny little chav babies with green slime, faux-Burberry and sportswear being pushed by people who really should have been neutered; and us in our keep-fit organic, smoothie-drinking new lifestyles trying to get fit whilst blowing pretty patterns of condensation into the fresh air. Oh and there might be snow. Every year is just more of the same. So the Industrial Revolution occurred, we now walk upright and eat Cornflakes, Scientology and Mormonism have come, sawn and conquered the gullible and statistically everyone is/ will be obese and die of cancer and/ or heart-failure or diabetes type 2. And so, with the dawn of 2007 and the crackling of that booming voice (“Welcome to the Future!”) is there really much more to look forward to? Yes! Here’s to plentiful Diana-Spencer-like media coverage of Saddam hanging; terrorist alerts; public transport fare rises and new ER. And finally, with the risk of echoing your old head-teacher,

Good Luck!


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