The Patch

January 10, 2007

Wednesday Column: Finding The Culprits

Filed under: Politics — freshlysqueezedcynic @ 1:48 pm

It has been nearly four years since the Iraq War began, (and slightly less since the President declared “Mission Accomplished“) and by all credible accounts, it has been an unmitigated disaster. Just today, in fact, continuing street battles in Baghdad left over 50 people dead, whilst in another show of the sectarian strife that afflicts Iraq, the Sunni Muslims in the area accuse the operation of being nothing more than an attempt by the Iraqi government (led by Shiite Muslims) to ethnically cleanse Baghdad. Meanwhile in America, the war reaches new levels of unpopularity, as does our dear Leader of the Free World.

But why didn’t anyone realise this at the time? I don’t mean you worthless peons, who have your charming little opinions about geopolitics but don’t have any sort of credibility on the issue. You don’t really matter. I mean the big, towering intellectual giants of our time – the journalists of the mainstream American media. How did they not realise that an American-led invasion of Iraq was doomed to fail? How could so many alleged liberals turn away from the gruesome inevitabilities of such a pre-emptive strike? I’ll let Johann Hari, an initally pro-war leftie who to his credit has since seen the light, take over the questioning from here:

“Who would have thought they would unleash widespread torture, with over 10,000 people disappearing without trial into Iraq’s secret prisons? Anybody who followed the record of the very same people – from Rumsfeld to Negroponte – in Central America in the 1980s. Who would have thought they would use chemical weapons? Anybody who looked up Bush’s stance on chemical weapons treaties (he uses them for toilet paper) or checked Rumsfeld’s record of flogging them to tyrants. Who would have thought they would impose shock therapy mass privatisation on the Iraqi economy, sending unemployment soaring to 60 percent – a guarantee of ethnic strife? Anybody who followed the record of the US towards Russia, Argentina, and East Asia. Who could have known that they would cancel all reconstruction funds, when electricity and water supplies are still below even Saddam’s standards? Anybody who looked at their domestic policies.”

How, in the face of all the available evidence, could the pundits and the journalistic experts look the other way and embrace disaster? And how can many of them still embrace disaster, supporting Bush’s plan of a temporary “surge” of extra troops in Iraq, something that can only delay the inevitable collapse of that country into ethnic strife, something supported only by 14% of Americans?

I believe I have found the answer:


Just looking at it makes me want to burn some hemp clothing.

Fucking hippies.

I’ll be honest with you, I fucking hate fucking hippies. Everything they touch collapses into a folk-orientated mish-mash of soy products, tie-dye and bits of Oriental philosophy they don’t understand that they picked up in-between bouts of diarrhoea during a third-eye opening trip to Bangkok. In those recreational-drug addled eyes of theirs lie a brain slowly corroded by acupuncture, beliefs in mystic spirits and the Greatful Dead (like anything else, the Dead are ok in moderation, but there are serious effects in overuse), so full of useless platitutes and empty words and no real clarity or action. The real problem with communism isn’t that it hasn’t been tried properly yet, nor that it was nefariously co-opted by authoritarian brutalists desperately seeking legitimacy for their bloody power grabs, but that there are thousands of starry-eyed, peace-sign wearing, long-haired morons going around and telling all the serious comrades; “Imagine no possessions, y’know, like, wow, everything owned by everyone, man.” It takes all the fun out of being the vanguard of the proletariat.

And like me, everyone feels the same way, to a greater or lesser degree (hippies themselves don’t count, being too stoned to have an opinion). But here comes the crucial problem; they were in full force during the anti-war marches, probably reliving the glory days of being shot at at Kent State University (even Nixon knew hippies suck), shouting about war not being cool and making love not war, whilst the rest of us were shouting about Western imperialism, oil profits and the failings of the latest Bush administration. I suspect most of the hippies would have thought the whole protest was just an acid flashback were it not for the papier mache puppets of Bush and Blair flying about everywhere.

So can you blame the pundits for taking one look at our hippie brethren and thinking “patchouli oil, nein danke”? All of us in our regular business try to avoid hippies when they approach us, looking to finally find the magic dragon who has eluded them for so long. How could they possibly ally themselves with an anti-war crowd which actively welcomed such folk into their midst? Were they mad? Did they not know some of them probably still had cholera or something? It’s not their fault that they have, in doing so let themselves been taken in by the most spectacularly incompetent administration of recent times in a war which has cost billions, killed thousands and acheived nothing bar the hanging of a dictator and the start-up of many new, fresh franchises of dynamic flourishing business Al-Qaeda Inc. (“We’re Grillin’ for some Islamic Killin’!”). How could they have done anything else when on the other side was some guy in tinted round spectacles and a cannabis t-shirt ranting about “The Man”?

Of course, even now that the war is a mistake they still can’t bring themselves to admit it, because that would bring even worse connotations – that the hippies were right. For the safety and security of the Western world, we can’t in good faith ever admit that the hippies have ever, ever been right about anything under the sun. If we started admitting that the hippies had at least one point where they were vindicated, where would we be then? We’d have to concede debate time on political shows the validity of healing stones and provide cheap home-cooked recipies for LSD. Where would the room be for reviews of restaurants far too significant and exclusive for the likes of you, or worse, fawning interviews with the political “maverick” of the week? It just wouldn’t do.

Really, Bush shouldn’t be blaming the war on the traitorous media, or the accursed Iraqis just not settling down and stopping killing each other, he should blame it on the real menace to our society, the ones who, in their irresponsibility, allowed the press corps to so blindly follow the Bush adminstration into this disaster of a war. The ones who made sure that the newspapers would be too busy reporting on the outbursts of the unhinged left rather than the stratigic and logistical follies of invading a nation full of ethnic and sectarian divisions held together by the strongarm tactics of a brutal dictator. Without them, the press would have been able to get on with their proper job, and could have raised these issues to the general public. And a war would have been avoided.

Fucking hippies.

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3 Comments »

  1. Oh, Alan. Could we have expected anything less?

    Comment by Amie — January 10, 2007 @ 8:19 pm | Reply

  2. Nice use of the feature

    Comment by Ian — January 11, 2007 @ 5:56 pm | Reply

  3. In regard to my previous comment, the ‘more’ feature. because I wrote the code, it didn’t appear.

    Comment by Ian — January 11, 2007 @ 5:56 pm | Reply


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