The Patch

January 21, 2007

Sunday 21st January-My Secret Girl Crush Cleans Up?

Filed under: Celebrity/TV — denesha @ 11:04 am

On the 17th January, a major piece of news was released that shocked the world. No, it wasn’t the news that China successfully used a missile to destroy an orbiting satellite. It wasn’t even the news that Jade Goody is an ignorant fool.  It was the news that I had been waiting for since the day I watched Mean Girls, and fell in love with Lindsay Lohan’s hair and epic boobs, only to watch her lose her breasts to cocaine, and her hair colour to the lesser garden whore variety of brown afterwards.
She has finally checked into rehab!
This news lightened up my world weary eyes as I read about the escalating civil war in Iraq, the failure of the 2015 international education goals in Sub Saharan Africa and global warming. It appears as though my girl crush hopes for her to return to sobriety and stop being such an utter fuck up have finally been answered. If ‘The Powers that Be’ can manage to pull off this feat, then maybe, one day, there will be world peace and I will have my own unicorn! Somehow, it takes a news story like this to make the world seem less daunting. If one of the biggest messes in young Hollywood can clean up, then maybe, just maybe, the harder issues facing the world can be dealt with. Let’s just start with Lindsay…

My love affair with Lindsay Lohan started the day I watched Mean Girls for the first time. Embarrassingly, I’ve watched it at least 6 times since and can quote the entire movie. She sparkled in that movie. Everyone sparkled under Tina Fey’s watchful eye and witty screenplay. It was obvious that the girl had potential. However, somewhere along the line, she stopped sparkling and started snorting.

She has been in the spotlight since she was three years old so people have seen her grow from a cute little baby, to cute little girl, to cute gawky teen, to hot big bosomed teen with enviable hair to a psychotic cocaine addict who likes to show people her vagina to get attention. Every single misstep, bad outfit, stupid bitchy comment is broadcast to millions of stupid, bitchy human beings, who, instead of caring about their own lives and children, choose to focus on the life of Lindsay Lohan. This is the type of stuff that would destroy the most grounded young girl. And she’s hardly had the most stable upbringing, with her dad imprisoned for attacking his brother in law and her mother being a ‘momager’ which in this case is code for being slutty and profiteering off her daughter’s ‘career’ instead of guiding it into a positive direction. The girl has issues.

Yet, up until three years ago when Mean Girls was released, she appeared to be holding it together. She had a strong career ahead of her and was hailed by many as the brightest member of ‘Young Hollywood’. In those three years, Lindsay Lohan has struggled to grow up. I don’t blame her. For any young girl, growing up is the hardest thing in the world. It’s hard to handle the barrage of insecurities that post puberty hormones throw at you. You obsess about your hair, skin, weight, friends and boys constantly, until slowly, you end up finding a way to cope and grow into hopefully, a better person. Lohan has not found a way to cope and is far from being a good person.

Which begs the question, what the hell is wrong with her and why won’t she snap out of it? The answer is cocaine and alcohol. Copious amount of drugs and alcohol in the unhealthy superficial environment of the Paris Hilton set, have destroyed what little sparkle, Lohan ever had. This stab at rehab could be the start of a new era in her life. She may finally be leaving behind the days of drunkenly flashing her vagina, behind her and moving on. This potential growth may rejuvenate her career in the same way that rehab improved Kate Moss’ modelling career. And somehow, that gives me hope, not a lot of hope, but some hope, that even the worst of coke whores can make it out of the Paris Hilton black hole of despair. Next stop, Britney Spears.

I am not as cynical as some gossip blogs who deemed her as ‘over’ in 2007 and mock this latest attempt to clean up as merely a publicity stunt. I believe that she will rise out of the ashes of her train wreck career and if not, well… I will always covet her hair in Mean Girls.



  1. I’m glad I’m not the only secret (well, not so much any more) Lindsay fan. I always found it hard to think of her as an ass, just because she’s supposed to be like Cady and the girls from The Parent Trap, dammit.

    And Mean Girls is clearly one of the best chick/teen flicks ever.

    Comment by amyfeldman — January 22, 2007 @ 11:16 am | Reply

  2. i like how you can make Lindsay Lohan’s rehab sound like really important news that i need to read about 😀

    Comment by Amie — January 23, 2007 @ 3:25 pm | Reply

  3. Yeah… That movie was unique! I liked the animal cutscenes, very original. I feel like going to the zoo.

    But I can’t finish this post without taking notice to the ‘Jingle Bell Rocks’ scene. The sight of Lacey Chabert shaking her touschy and smacking Lindsay on the bottom could give a semi-paralyzed 82 year old with severe erectile dysfunction a ‘chubby’.

    Comment by The Dudemeister — January 23, 2007 @ 7:27 pm | Reply

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