The Patch

January 29, 2007

January 29th 2007: One Big, Fat Cliche

Filed under: Miscellany — alice86 @ 12:55 pm

Once upon a time in a land far, far away, there lived a tremendously happy couple. Then they divorced, had a bitter custody argument (for the house, no less) and came to resemble the 155,052 lonely divorcees within the UK in 2005. Yes, life has many a tragic love story; be it unrequited, a living doll, a botched Shakespearean suicide (412 years today possibly, folks!), a superhero with an anorexic-looking reporter girlfriend or the Desperate Housewives cast, chances are the premise of being a swollen-faced Zellweger simile will send us reaching for the Prozac. Particularly now.

There are sixteen days to the paper-wasting, flower-killing Hallmarkian festival of Valentine’s, and what better way to spend time than being cynical, moan about your unsatiated libido or perhaps reminisce about that selfish expletive female-genitalia you thought loved you? Clichéd? Oui. Try being happy with what you have, perchance? How about those neglected family and friends so often treated like…well, recycled toilet roll? How often do we let these people know how much we care about them? Similarly, why should we rely upon a designated annual day to tell our loved-ones this, and with a bunch of dead cellulose no less? Surprises are nice, y’ know. As aforementioned: miserable cynicism equals clichéd.

“But” you cry, Michael Jackson-esque only this time not hanging a baby off a balcony, “What about us?” Well, you may be in luck. If you don’t receive a card this year, there’s always a chance of picking up a lovely little cytoxin known as Panton-Valentine Leukocidin, recently displayed in the media as PVL. Or you could go, how the teenagers say, “Out on the pull”, all frantic like. Nothing like lonely desperation to attract a partner! With added chance of more lovely illnesses such as meningitis or glandular fever who could decline?! See a reasonably attractive (preferably alive) organism (preferably Homo sapiens if you don’t wish to tangle with the law), aim and target. Don’t hesitate! Go forth! Believe the self-help books’ proclamations- and if they say, “NO” they are idiots- just don’t spend another ‘holiday’ without one of the billion cards (or a person you may be fond of) that are purchased. Incidentally, eighty-five per cent of these are estimated to be bought by women. So, either there are more lesbian couples than heterosexual ones, or men have actually twigged first that spending extortionate amounts on a tacky little bear, a long stem red rose (steal it from a garden, or buy a whole plant; it’s cheaper and lasts longer), or a hideously cute photo frame for the one I love is a colossal waste and is just plain futile.

Alternatively, as previously mentioned, forget all scruples, standards and inhibitions. So what if their accent makes Eliza Doolittle’s tongue resemble RP, if a dot-to-dot on their face would change their ethnic origin, or if, you know, they have absolutely nothing in common with you? Grab the nearest fellow and copulate. Wildly. Being single isn’t so bad, and think of all the trees you’ll save. Have a perfectly lovely time in with your true mates instead of wallowing in self-pity. I’ve yet to receive a Valentine.

Bitterly clichéd, moi? Oui. But I intend to live happily ever after.

THE END.

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1 Comment »

  1. In reference to the part about 85% of cards being bought by women…
    I love cards and buy two for every person for every occasion.
    Martin thinks they are pointless.

    I think 85% might be a conservative estiamte 😉

    Comment by Amie — January 29, 2007 @ 6:17 pm | Reply


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