The Patch

February 13, 2007

Monday the belated 12th

Filed under: Miscellany — alice86 @ 12:32 pm

Hell is other people. Specifically, hell is when you realise you’ve just made a terrible mistake, landing you with a seemingly impossible housemate for a year or more. Hell is also when you’ve previously vouched in favour of the aforementioned housemate, thus realising you

a) have landed a completely innocent person in this delightfully grim predicament and

b) will be spending the next 12 months desperately trying to avoid alcoholism, narcotics addictions,:anything that could make sharing your abode with the most spoilt upper-middle-class brat imaginable bareable.

Age is no excuse. University is supposed to mature people, not impose a regression into a verbose, intellectually superior toddler whose copious useage of the word “actually” should be a legal justification for homicide.

But when mother and father dearest have handed you everything on a silver platter as “university is for learning, not for working” (a statement not as profound as you first might think; it means they will pay for everything); when the darling child is complaining about her ridiculous mountains of work and how she cannot possibly be expected to “do all of the legwork”, as, you know, working full time, 40 hours a week is a breeze, a cinch, could be done backwards standing on one hand by someone with such a fantastic intellectual capacity as hers; it means, in short, someone who always gets her own way, is entirely ignorant and incapable of compromising and has loud, loud sex with her parrot audience. It’s only sex, after all.

This is shaping up to be a fate worse than Halls. Halls in which people regularly steal your food, break your crockery, cannot tidy up after themselves and have extremely loud Venus-Williams-esque sex with their emo boyfriend who then wanders out to the bathroom, clad in boxers so we can all view and envy his manly physique and obvious sexual prowess. An intimate act of love becomes a who has the loudest bedsprings competition. It’s only sex, after all. And, all defensive like, it’s perfectly natural for some people to sound like tennis players during intercourse. It’s not faking. Not at all.

So the house-hunting chore can be summarised thus: large rooms (I am NOT having a tiny hole for a bedroom), pets allowed (I can’t live without my parrot. Seriously, what student can afford a parrot on their meagre income?), a washing machine is a must, a phoneline (you can’t live without one! And I pay my bills)…”I am easy to please” (connoting: we’re obviously not).

And the necessary one: a mile, minimum between us and her. Or failing that, an attic with a lock and key, a garage, fake birth control pills so she’s forced to drop out and go on the scummy dole as mother and father dearest are disgusted with being grandparents…

…a get out clause would be nice. So would a culling song, a la Chuck Palahniuk. Or a mere miracle. Please, oh  please, oh please let us get what we want.



  1. Fake an allergic reaction to the parrot? Isn’t there any way you can just say “i’m not moving in with you, go away?”

    Comment by denesha — February 13, 2007 @ 3:13 pm | Reply

  2. Too polite, plus guilty conscience.:'(

    Comment by alice86 — February 13, 2007 @ 3:52 pm | Reply

  3. oh what a horrid and sticky situation 😦

    Comment by Amie — February 13, 2007 @ 8:33 pm | Reply

  4. Know the feeling- we’re living with someone we don’t want to because of the whole guilty conscience thing. Oh well, they’ve got the front, downstairs bedroom and we’re all upstairs so escape is somewhat possible. And we don’t have to listen to his bringing home a different person every night…

    Comment by amyfeldman — February 14, 2007 @ 4:23 pm | Reply

  5. Gah. I hear you Alice. Why is it impossible to find good people to live with?

    Comment by antonia — February 16, 2007 @ 8:33 pm | Reply

  6. We’ll be ok… we will. We can gang up on her if needs be and force her to be at least partially nice. I mean after all, if we’re getting an extra room and I’m paying more rent… I already have one over on her. And now that there’s no parrot to have to avoid… thats one irritant out of the way… poor thing :p

    BUT we do have to live with her a) because we will both have a guilty conscience if we throw her out on her ear… it’s kind of left it a bit late for us to do that like, nicely, and b) because we can get SUCH a nice place for £750-£800 a month… and we WILL have a garage to lock her in… some places even have 2 living rooms and 2 bathrooms so essentially… we wouldn’t even have to share toilet roll with her.

    I’m thinking of it all… and it’ll be ok. I reckon we’ll make a good team for the whole ‘2 against 1’ thing anyway. At least you’re not going to be stuck on your own with her 🙂

    Comment by Emma — February 17, 2007 @ 4:25 pm | Reply

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