The Patch

February 22, 2007

Thursday 22nd February 2007 – Do’s and Don’ts.

Filed under: Miscellany — Claire @ 5:07 pm

Today Phil is unfortunately unavailable again, so here is a Miscellaneous article by Dan Reid. It’s picture heavy, but enjoy!

Photos courtesy of both Google Image Search and private collection.


Do’s.


Remember that potty-mouthed girl from college who could put every arsehole at the party in his place with one sentence? Why didn’t you marry her?


Sometimes when you see these long, droopy sweaters it’s so hard not to picture her at your house on Sunday morning wearing nothing but that and white socks the only way you can muster the strength to look away is to focus on the part in Animal House where nude Donald Sutherland is wearing the same thing.


“she’s like Sleater-Kinney but cute and not skinny, a red-lipped ninny with a heart of gold” (repeat 45 times, then do harmonies with friends).
PS: I’m stoned out of my fucking mind right now.


You guys need to take this dude on holiday like a little brown canary in a coalmine where, if he doesn’t get laid, you realise nobody can and you move on to the next town.


Any guy that travels from Sydney to New York and gets wasted enough to pass out in a masseuse’s car is worth buying a beer and propping up a bar with. When a guy like this wakes up the next morning and doesn’t offer you a beer for breakfast, you know that you’ve officially stepped into ‘grown up’ territory.


Here’s a great tip for a fashionable look this season – be the hottest woman on the planet.


This fella reeks of good vibes like his arse just farted my favourite Beach Boys song. He’s like the big brother that secretly lets you drive the car when you’re 14 years old and lets you prank call the local vicar.


Don’ts.


It’s hard to explain slang to Japanese people unless it’s the word ‘dweeb’ and this guy pulls up all like ‘he means guys like me’


You may look cooler than Frosty the Snowman’s balls, but all your skunk money comes out of the unemployment benefits fund that my taxes go into. Sign up for New Deal.


No one likes someone who looks like everybody else did in 1995. Especially when they’re playing fucking hackey-sack in a car park dressed like Alex James.


You know the joke has passed and that you need to get the fuck off him when he looks more satisfied than if Chloe Sevigny had just given him head.


She’s realised that she must break off the engagement when her dodgem driving man pulls a hand movement like something from an Oriental puppet show.


See the one behind you that you’d even wear a decent pair of jeans for? You’d get a sympathy hug if it didn’t look like you wanted the attention so much. As unwanted as a broken glowstick.

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2 Comments »

  1. This is the best article that has been on The Patch so far.

    Comment by denesha — February 22, 2007 @ 5:53 pm | Reply

  2. Thanks, though i can only take half the credit for it given that a few of the comments and pictures were donated by some online contacts. Some of them were sent into to freebie magazines published too.

    Comment by Dan — February 24, 2007 @ 5:16 pm | Reply


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