The Patch

March 9, 2007

Friday 9th March

Filed under: Music & Film — Free Edinburgh Podcast @ 12:42 pm

Tragedy struck the UK a couple of weeks ago. No, Russel Brand did not reproduce, instead Morrissey decided to pull out of Eurovision. Officially the second most iconic living Brit, a new self-pinned ditty from such a wonderful song smith would surely have walked away with the title of Eurovision 2007 winner. Alas, it was not to be, and the whole world mourned. Apart from six plucky young acts who managed to gain such resolve as to put themselves in contention for the esteemed honour of being Britain’s representatives at Eurovision.

For some disturbing, probably revolting, reason, Eurovision played an important part of my childhood. Maybe it was my young naivety in musical matters; its tendency to clash with my birthday; Terry Wogan’s bold wit and bald head; all the crack my mother consumed whilst I was in the womb, or a combination of all of the above, but this retarded competition actually meant something in my eyes.

I cared about who won, who lost, how many points Croatia gave us. My heart ached when Gina G cam so close to topping the table, only to be filled with such ecstatic joy when Katrina and her Waves brought the title home.

Time passed, as it tends to do, and my interest wained. Lacklustre entries, poor placings, the rise of political voting and Daz ‘I’m not a paedo, I just like to dance around with school girls’ Simpson all playing a considerable part in Eurovision’s downfall to me. That, and I actually developed some sense and rationality.

But, like an ugly irksome cold sore, it has returned again for its yearly showing. And with the following six delights to pick an entry form, it looks like it may well be ‘nil points’ all over again.

Who? – Big Brovaz

Previous? – Tediously dull pop r’n’b act, and notoriously awful spellers, that threatened to nudge the charts a little bit five years ago. Somehow managed to win two MOBOs whilst creating the most pointless, dull music since Ug banged his stick against Og’s head. And there’s only one looker in the band.

What’s the song like? Big Bro Thang is as generic and awful a pop r’n’b song could be. Ignore them.

What they say – “look out for something special from us” – yeah, ‘needs’, you twats.

Chances of success – Good lord, none at all.


Who? – Liz McClarnon

Previous? – The former Atomic Kitten (not the one who buys her fish fingers from Iceland, or the one who was an actual kitten) has followed in the footsteps of her brain cell and decided to go it alone. Atomic Kitten passed me by in many ways, mainly when I was going through my drive-by shooting phase, though even I couldn’t escape that awful ode to bucket,s Whole Again. I hated it.

What’s the song like? – Spritely, annoying, disposable pop.

What they say – “I’ve written the perfect song for it.” What? That’s a good thing?

Chances of success – As slim as her waist.


Who? – Hawkins and Brown

Previous? – The ex-Darkness front man has gone up in the world with this crack at Eurovision. He’s also suckered in a friend of his girlfriend to falsetto annoyingly away with. I bought Permission to Land. If there was one thing in my life that I could go back and change, it would be this decision. Even above ‘the accident’.

What’s the song like? – Shit. What did you expect?

What they say? – ‘If we don’t make it through to the final, I won’t be too disheartened. There’s always next year.” And there’ll always be someone better than you, you moron. Always.

Chances of success – Are probably the most likely to go through actually. Egads.


Who? – Scooch

Previous? – A four piece boy/girl band that were considerably popular among the impressionable youth of the late nineties. So named after an amusing incident in a dance rehearsal where the instructor ordered them to ‘scooch over here’. Scooch are my favourite band ever.

What’s the song like? – Awesome.

What they say – “We’re the Buck’s Fizz for this generation.” No comment.

Chances of success – Erm…


Who? – Cyndi

Previous? – The French Phil Collins in many ways. Started singing as a youth and won some talent contests and stuff. You know, the usual annoying preppy, perky wannabe famous person. Looks like Katie Melua a bit though so has my unreserved love.

What’s the song like? – I’ll Leave My Heart does at least show she has a good voice. But a very sub Celine Dion (if there is such a thing) ballad otherwise.

What they say – “I don’t care, I won the World Cup.”

Chances of success – I hope she does it. A contender fo’ shiz.


Who? – Brian Harvey

Previous? – With former band, East 17, Brian achieved many things, though I can only remember two. Stay Another Day actually being an okay Christmas number one, and being name checked in an argument between two girls crossing the road in an advert that frequently appeared in the Beano and Dandy in the mid 90s. They were debating over who was the better boy band – Brian’s old crooning crew, or recently resurrected pop nuisances, Take That. So busy were they in this discourse that they were not paying attention as they crossed the road. The inevitable happened when a car was shown in the last picture of the cartoon strip accompanied by a rather shocking ‘BANG!’. Who won the argument? We’ll never know. There is one thing we can be sure of though – both girls died from internal bleeding. Never discuss music when crossing roads.

Harvey himself got into a little traffic trouble of his own a couple of years ago. After eating three whole baked potatoes, the resulting vomiting from overeating occurred whilst he was driving. Opening the door ti leave his half digested spuds on the street, he regretfully fell out only to be run over by hos own car. It was actually very serious and he nearly died, but it’s still a most funny image as he was in East 17, so feel free to laugh.

What’s the song like? I Can’t more like.

What they say – “One thing’s for sure, I’ll never be eating baked potatoes again.”

Chances of success – May score strong votes from old East 17 fans, but his accident has left rather weak in the lung so probably won’t be able to sing very well. Sorry, that sounds like he could sing very well before the accident. He’s shit.



Keeping with the Eurovision theme, my Record of the Week this week is my all time favourite entry. The wonderful Sandie Shaw with her rendition of Puppet on a String.


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