The Patch

March 11, 2007


Filed under: Celebrity/TV — denesha @ 11:41 am

It’s been a slow news week. It really has. Britney Spears is still crazy, Anna Nicole Smith is still dead, and Lindsay Lohan is still a drunken whore. The slow news week reminded me of something Alan, the politics writer for the Patch on Wednesdays, said to me. He said that when you broke down celebrity news to its very core, it really is just “MAN DATES WOMAN”. That’s not very exciting, important or interesting at all, is it? His words burned into my soul and I found myself contemplating the superficial nature of my articles. So, I have decided to embark on a celebrity news experiment. No, I shan’t be putting Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie in a room to discover who can find the cheese first. Although, in Nicole’s case, she’d probably find it, pretend to eat it and sigh, contentedly, knowing she just lost 8lbs in all that effort.
Instead, for each celebrity gossip/news piece that I deign worthy to write about, I shall be pairing it with a news/gossip piece regarding someone in my life. Like Alan implied, if we break it down to its core level, we’ll find that it’s all a crock of shit. So, let’s break it down and see if it still works.

Celebrity Piece: WOMAN ON BOAT. SMILES.
Nicole Kidman was pictured all over the newspapers, this week, smiling on a boat, with her husband, Keith Urban. She looks happy, but that may just be the botox wearing off.

Celebrity Piece: GIRL DYES HAIR.
Lindsay Lohan has gone blonde again. *sigh* *clutches Mean Girls DVD*

Salma Hayek announced her pregnancy and engagement after unflattering pictures sparked a pregnancy debate. She is engaged to Francois-Henri Pinault, the CEO of the luxury goods company, PPR. The news of the engagement and pregnancy came as a shock to most celebrity writers, who were unaware that the pair were even dating. Of course, the parallels to Fools Rush In, the whimsical romantic comedy starring Matthew Perry and Salma Hayek, are unintentional, yet mildly amusing.

Non Famous Person Gossip Piece: GIRL HAS RELATIONSHIP DRAMAS.
Let me introduce you to my beautiful friend, Suzie. She has a fairly interesting life and being her friend means that I am forced to listen to all her relationship dramas. Therefore, my lovely Patchers, as you are my readers, you are now forced to read all of her gossip too.
Suzie has recently got back in contact with a newly single, ex boyfriend, Jacob. In typical, Suzie fashion, they met up for platonic drinks on Thursday. In typical, Suzie fashion, the evening ended in drunken kissing. *sigh* *clutches When Harry Met Sally DVD*. Listen to Billy Crystal, kids, boys and girls cannot be friends.
So, Suzie woke up on Friday morning with a love bite and a commitment phobic attitude. Once at work, she jokingly asked out Peter, ‘the boy who works in finance’, in order to demonstrate the fine art of ‘pulling’, to another work colleague. Peter, the poor boy, was not aware that it was a joke and said ‘yes.’ An awkward moment occurred.
That evening, Suzie found herself in the pub, having her face licked by an actual dog and surrounded by work colleagues. She was rather drunk so Peter chivalrously decided to walk her to the station, and chivalrously kiss her. Suzie ran away, only to end up drunk dialling, Jacob. An awkward conversation occurred.

Now, there are all of my news/gossip pieces for this week. Let me know which you found more interesting, the celebrity pieces or Suzie’s car crash relationships gossip?
….I did warn you that it was a slow news week. Next week’s news will be better; after all, I have a plan involving Britney Spears, a get away vehicle and Paris Hilton’s herpes medication.



  1. I hate you. You have a slow news week but still manage to make an entertaining article about it! Damn your talent, Denesha, damn it to hell!

    Comment by amyfeldman — March 11, 2007 @ 11:48 am | Reply

  2. Suzie sounds absolutely fantastic!

    i love reading your articles denesha, always make me giggle esp this week’s post! hehe

    Comment by bummy — March 11, 2007 @ 7:57 pm | Reply

  3. i was thinking about it recently, wondering why people get SO OBSESSED with the, really if you think about it, mundane lives of certain people… i think its because its kind of like they are jsut characters in an ongoing story. its like following a soap opera, or a series of books, you cant wait to find out what happens next. celebrity news is like that, only with real more or less unscripted lives and live-action players. but in any case, another great article denesha 😀

    Comment by Amie — March 12, 2007 @ 2:42 am | Reply

  4. Suzie rocks. Can we have more from her please??? i bet she’s really good fun on a night out.

    Comment by Jasprit — March 12, 2007 @ 11:43 am | Reply

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