The Patch

March 13, 2007

Tuesday 13th March 2007 – Something a bit different.

Filed under: Site News/Info — Claire @ 6:07 pm

This week, your UK reporter completely forgot that she was a UK reporter, and so hasn’t written a work about British news. Fear not, though, for doubtlessly gutted as you all are, I have an alternative. This week, I’ll share with you the delights of our Search Terms.

People are finding our fair blog in some very random ways, which is fine by us, and is proving a source of near constant amusement to The Patch team. Since the search engine terms used to get here are, to say the least, entertaining, and we quite like entertaining, it’d be unfair not to share them with you. Here are a few of our favourites.

Ugly Eyelids

You can imagine some poor eyelid obsessed little person sat there fervently searching Google for ways to end their peeper related misery. The Patch probably wasn’t what they had in mind…

Vertically challenged clothing

Little people around the World in search of a nice pair of jeans stumbled across us thanks to Amy’s article. We don’t sell clothes for dwarves though, very sorry.

The above link appears to be evidence that The Patch is the answer to feminine libido problems the World over, which, considering the incredible raw sexualness of our male contingent (and indeed the Patch ladies, if that‘s your thing), is no great shock to anyone.

Epic Boobs

This one is thanks to Celebrity correspondent Denesha, who professes a great love for Lindsay Lohan’s incredible…erm…assets. There’s something very satisfying about imagining a horny chav’s disappointed face when he realises there are no impressive bosoms to be found round these parts. Similarly, Emily Hughes‘ panties, and indeed all of her other undergarments, do not reside here. Oh, and nor does Lily Allen’s nipple (singular, not plural, so all the more weird…). Dirty beasts.

Eric Clapton sexual prowess

Someone’s hopes to learn of old Eric’s seduction secrets were dashed when they Googled the above and ended up here instead. We’d like to say that we‘re sorry for that person having to live without knowing Mr. Clapton‘s mysterious skills for lady attraction, but we‘d be lying.

Another frequent search that seems to get people (inexplicably) to The Patch is Simon Amstell made Britney cry. Good on him, The Patch says, but can we state for the record that we don’t profess to have any idea at all how he made her cry, though we are now organising a party for him to celebrate his incredible powers of celebrity irritation. Anyone who can piss off Britney and Preston from the Ordinary Boys is fine by us. If he can see his way to kneecapping the Beckhams or something, we’re starting a ‘We love Simon’ cult.

I love you more than my adidas trainers is yet another gem. The Patch loves it’s Patchers more than it’s pet baby armadillo, just so you know.

That’s about the extent of our amusing search terms for now. Unless we count Noel Fielding on Michael Jackson as lewd. Which the hellish images strongly coerce us not to.

If anyone has found us in a normal way, please God let us know!



  1. I think ‘boy urinating’ is still my favourite.Why?Just why?

    Comment by denesha — March 13, 2007 @ 8:10 pm | Reply

  2. Today – “groin strain sexual abuse”

    Comment by Spanky — March 14, 2007 @ 2:32 pm | Reply

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