The Patch

April 14, 2007

Saturday 14th April- Primark and Parrots

Filed under: Miscellany — Ames @ 10:18 am

It took a year. A year of holding out from the trendy Sloane crowd with their backbrushed hair and Jack Will’s tracksuits. A year of promising myself that I would not give in. But finally my will power broke. After purchasing a top which turned out to be too long to respectibly wear with jeans, but too short to dare braving my blindingly white legs to the masses, I caved. I am now the owner of four pairs of footless tights.The thing is, I only really needed one pair. Admittedly, two of these are in the beautiful shades of yellow and mandarin with the intentional of wearing them to a ‘Fame’ themed birthday in a few weeks. But in which case, why the two pairs in black?

Well, you’d think buying footless tights would be a relatively simple task wouldn’t you. Think again. For the newcomer to the fashion phenomenon, finding the Right Pair is not easy. I mean, without diagrams or explanation, how are you supposed to tell the difference between ‘capri’ and ‘cropped’? How can there be that much of a difference? (The answer: There isn’t really. Capril, on a short-arse like me, comes to just below the knee, while ‘cropped’ is halfway between knee and ankle. I presume normal footless tights just have the foot cut off, in a sexy wetsuit like form).

The thing is, I wasn’t buying these tights in Topshop or French Connection or some other fashionista-type store, where if you’re having a bad day and have just pulled on a hoody and jeans, then you’re guaranteed to get at least one shop assisstant or fellow shopper glancing at you in a way that screams of ‘You Don’t Belong Here’. I was in Primark. The store where literally all specimens of humanity can be seen. Seriously, if you wanted an interesting reality tv show you should lock everyone in a Primark store at around midday and keep them there for a year or so. Like a more interesting and diverse Big Brother. Apart from the whole keeping-people-inside-against-their-will, which I feel probably comes under the bracket of taking hostages, even if it would be for scientific and pyschological research.

But I have somewhat wondered from the point here. Which was… in Primark, buying footless tights should be easy. It should not make you feel like an outcast of the Fashionista World (not that I necessarily want to be a part of that world, but being made to feel like an outcast and unaccepted is something nobody wants). In Primark everyone should be accepted. I know their labelling is, at the best of times, somewhat dubious (I can range from a size 8-10 to a 14 in that shop, on similar products. Somewhat frustrating when a) the queues are always huge and b) you’re only allowed to take four items in at a time), which means that ‘capri’ and ‘cropped’ could mean absolutely anything to that company. Of course, it’s also a very clever marketing ploy- it made me hand over an extra £1 so I could buy both lengths and compare them, anyway. Maybe that’s why their sizing is all wrong- not a factory error, or just pure stupidity. The exact opposite in fact. So many people can’t be bothered to queue for Primark changing rooms, so they grab two sizes with the intention of returning one… But so many people won’t and, kerching, and extra few pounds in their tills.

I knew the shop was evil, with their tempting prices and, of course, ridiculously cheap labour charges, but oo, I didn’ t realise they were this cunning. Primark, I am so onto you.

Won’t stop me shopping there though. Hey, I’m a clothes-loving student, what else am I to do?

In other news: I went to see Spamalot, the Monty Python musical, on Thursday. I urge you to go and book tickets straight away. OK, so I’m a Musical Theatre Geek, with a Big Love for Monty Python, so I was always going to enjoy it. But honestly, I haven’t laughed so much at something since… well actually, since the Borat film, but that’s besides the point. Even for those who are somewhat scornful of musical theatre, who feel that Monty Python would be destroyed by putting it on stage and having people who aren’t the Originals in main roles, I urge you to forget all reservations. For a start, the show just makes a mockery of all other musicals anyway (for example, The Song That Goes Like This (note: the link will only work for a week. If you want a copy of the song after this then contact me)). And secondly, because the cast is absolutely brilliant, particularly the lead female. Not only is her voice sensational, but she pretty much steals the show in terms of acting too, as shown by the thunderous applause she received at the end. In a show when all of the leads are pretty impressive, their comic timing absolutely fantastic, this is saying a lot. (Further note, the woman on the link is not the same person playing the role in London. The one in the London show acted (and sung) that song a hell of a lot better). Moreover, while many of the best-known and loved Monty Python scenes and songs are included, such as The Knights who say Nee, Finland, fish-slapping dancing, and, of course, Always Look On The Bright Side of Life (no dead parrots in sight, though), much of the script and score is original, and downright hilarious. In particular ‘You Won’t Succeed on Broadway’ is one to be looked out for.

By no means is this a comprehensive review, but I figured that if we can have a ‘record of the week’, we can have a ‘show of the week’ as well. So here it is. If you can get tickets (and there are some for £15 on matinees and during the week, a bargainous price) then go, go, go!

Quote of the evening: “[Being a Jew] isn’t something you tend to admit to a heavily armed Christian”

If that doesn’t persuade you, nothing will. And I fart in your general, humerlous direction.



  1. I’m confused about footless tights. My heart and head are telling me that they are wrong, but they look surprisingly good with some outfits. I don’t think I’ll be joining the trend as I’m sure I’d be joining the party a bit late, now. Although, the party probably began in 1984 when Madonna wore electric blue ones in the Like A Virgin video.

    Comment by denesha — April 15, 2007 @ 9:01 am | Reply

  2. I know, I felt bad for buying them… but they look so much better with some outfits, and they don’t emphasise calves so much… Ach, be a latecomer like me- late if fashionable, don’t you know 😛

    Comment by amyfeldman — April 15, 2007 @ 9:56 am | Reply

  3. I succumbed! It happened so fast, I wasn’t thinking straight. You see, I was buying this green 60’s era mini shift dress from Tesco and my mum said it was far too mini (it really is, far too mini) and that I’d have to buy tights and I was all “but….mmmuuuummm, its summer” and she said “ok, get footless tights.” And, now I have footless tights. Its ok though because it looks like I’m the lovechild of Jackie Kennedy and Madonna.

    Comment by denesha — April 17, 2007 @ 12:37 pm | Reply

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