The Patch

April 29, 2007

Saturday 28th April- And now for something completely different

Filed under: Miscellany,Music & Film — Ames @ 2:09 pm

So I know that Film isn’t an area I usually venture into, but after a trip to the cinema last night the blank I had concerning topics for articles was finally defeated. For I was dragged to a film so bad, so ridiculous, that I couldn’t help but feel the need to rant about it rather thoroughly. But how could I do this credibly? Why, by making a list of the five most overrated and boring films I have ever seen in my life, of course. Some of you may find this list a little controversial. Some of you may think that I can’t recognise a good film should it hit me in the face with a cold, wet fish. But nonetheless, I present you with Amy’s Definitive Bad Film List:

Lord of The Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
I might as well start with a bang and a confession: I hate Lord of The Rings. Despite only having seen the first in the trilogy, I feel that my views on fantasy films have been tarred for life by the cinematic ‘experience’. And this was only after seeing about half of the ‘epic’, the rest of the time spent looking at my watch. Seeing how long I could hold my backlight down for was considerably more interesting than watching a host of bad actors on their quest. After about an hour, each fade-to-black brought with it renewed hope that maybe, just maybe, the film had just ended. I would reach for my bag and get ready to run for the outside world, just to be confronted by yet another scene seemingly placed just to torture me that little bit more. If I wanted to watch a poorly acted documentary about hiking through New Zealand then I’d have stayed at home and watched National Geographic. At the time I thought it was the most boring thing I had ever seen.

However, this was before I was introduced to the second film on my list:Biggie and Tupac (2002)
OK, so it’s not a film, but a Nick Broomfield documentary attempting to the answer the question, supposedly, on everybody’s lips: who killed Biggie Smalls and Tupac Shakur? However, it is deserving of a place in this list for being a feature length 107 minutes long. That’s 107 minutes too many. Hands up if you saw that one coming.

I’m not quite sure why our media department thought that taking us to see this documentary would be beneficial, but it due to them that 50 15-year-olds were locked into a theatre and forced to watch as Broomfield interviewed various people, many of whom appeared to not really know what they were talking about, but refused to come to or deliver any kind of conclusion to the audience. Infact, the film just failed to deliver to the audience full stop, instead making us feel dizzy from the endless questions that just seemed to go round and round in circles. If anyone had wanted any ideas about how could have killed two of the most famous rappers of their time, Broomfield’s documentary certainly would have failed to disappoint. And for those of us who had never heard of them before being forced into that cinema? Well it provided a good chance to chat and get in some nap, proving it to be a better use of time than any other media lesson. Despite that, I don’t think I have ever been more grateful to see closing credits begin to roll.

Napolean Dynamite (2004)
This is one of the only films I just couldn’t bear to finish watching. Maybe my humour just isn’t in-tune to it’s hipness, but an OCD about chapstick and the constant repetition of ‘freakin’ idiot’ didn’t really do it for me. I managed about 40 minutes of intense boredom before I had to switch it off to save my sanity. Admittedly I was completely sober/ straight when watching it… maybe that was the problem, as I can’t see how people of a sane and sober standing could possibly like this film enough to give it a cult status. Or maybe I’m just not cool enough to ‘get it’. Bugger…

King Kong (2005)
I didn’t set out to hate another of Peter Jackson’s endeavours, I honestly didn’t. In fact, I was quite looking forward to watching a love story between Naomi Watts and a big hairy ape. The cast list was impressive, the special effects seemed good, and the opening scenes made me think that I was actually going to enjoy this.

And then they reached the island.

An hour of people running around, literally running through the legs of CGI dinosaurs, and apparently being able to run at the same pace as a T-Rex. OK then. Just like with Lord of The Rings, scenes were dragged out for an unnecessary length of time, a trend that continued on their return to New York. I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed such a long death scene in my life. Apologies for the spoiler, but I’ve just saved you from three hours of your life better spent watching monkeys mate. You’d still be getting the best bits from the movie after all; if I tell you that the most believable aspect to the film was the love story between a woman and Kong, you get some kind of idea about the rest of the film. Also, what happened to Jamie Bell?

Somehow I don’t think I’m meant to be a Peter Jackson fan…

Alpha Dog (2007)
This is the reason that this whole article started. While those of you who enjoy films where the script relies solely on the overuse of swearing and homophobic slang then by all means go and see this; Alpha Dog contains the 4th most frequent use of the word ‘fuck’ in cinematic history, and at least half of the screen time is taken up by sex scenes (including Karen from Mean Girls seducing a 15-year-old in a swimming pool, and Elizabeth from ER talk about how she plans to have sex with her husband that night. How the mighty fall…) and ‘homies’ insulting each other. Whether this is preferable to the other half, when you are subjected to the acting of Justin Timberlake and his cronies is questionable, however. The film may be based on a true story, and a potentially interesting story at that, but this film does it absolutely no justice whatsoever. You know something’s wrong when you’re laughing at death scenes and Sharon Stone’s overly teary monologue (whoever made that fat suit is the person truly deserving of being in the firing line). I went to see this film due to curiosity about whether JT could actually act or not. Answer: he can’t. Now I’ve answered that question for all of you, and saved your eyes from bleeding at the sheer awfulness of this film.

No need to thank me, by the way; if this list can save others from the hours and money I’ve wasted then I can only be happy that for once I’ve been good for something. Which is more than I can say for these films…

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3 Comments »

  1. Napoleon Dynamite is one of greatest films ever. Blasphemy!

    Comment by Thomas Meek — April 30, 2007 @ 1:26 am | Reply

  2. I really just didn’t get it at all… prolly not just my sense of humour, but hey, this is my bad and boring film list so there 😛

    Comment by amyfeldman — April 30, 2007 @ 2:20 am | Reply

  3. I completely agree with you on Napolean Dynamite. It’s probably one of the most overrated comedies of all time, but is great for insomniacs.

    Comment by Tum Tum — May 9, 2007 @ 5:59 am | Reply


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