The Patch

May 1, 2007

The Last Day of April 2007

Filed under: Miscellany — alice86 @ 7:18 pm

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, right? Countless womanly magazines have informed me otherwise. In fact, vibrators are, allegedly. I’m all for sexual liberation, but some of the items are frankly terrifying. Take the rampant rabbit; firstly, whoever thought that rabbits were sexually attractive is a bit bizarre, secondly the name is obviously there for alliterative means because the thing looks nothing like a rabbit. Not even if I squint. It’s a terrifying, transparent pulsating penis with a disturbing shaped growth. Or many growths if you’re looking at that thriller one, which I currently am.
 Maybe that’s what made Michael Jackson sing so high.

   The majority of these pleasurers are seriously ugly. Making them in bright colours won’t make them look any more appealing, surely? Well, compared to the “natural-looking” ones, hell yes it does! Now they might be based on the versions deemed best by Mother Nature, but I wouldn’t want a cucumber or corn on the cob rammed up me…similarly, the veiny, shiny, apparently flesh-coloured monstrosities look even worse! I guess that’s why we hide them so, guffaw. But seriously, u.g.l.y. At least one looks more streamlined and aerodynamic even if it potentially won’t add as much extra pleasure.  However, for beautiful designs (or as close as you can get to beautiful when you’re looking at a clitoral stimulator, then is your pal. Pricey though, and I can’t ever contemplate spending that amount on a vaginal work of art, but evidently some folk do. I’d just hope it gives many fantastic orgasms for that cost.

            No-one can ever state we’re trapped for choice though. There are finger ones, quiet ones, “clit-kits” and rubber ducks and for the seriously hard-core women, ones that plug into the mains. No more Duracell for you, though your electricity bills may rocket during a particularly horny month. At least they could (potentially) pass for one of these Glade air-fresheners though, or some other innocuous household object such as a torch or salt and pepper set. Camouflage is a handy way of minimising those embarrassing moments when unexpected guests pop in.

            And, along a similar path, some vibrators even make use of your household objects. Mobile phones, electric toothbrushes (yes, things you could theoretically have used in the past for a quick diddle) now have vibrator models to partner: it’s something to do with the vibrator’s motor being triggered by the signals so nowhere is safe! Nowhere. Women on the bus who’re quietly smiling to themselves haven’t just received a sweet text message from their lovers…they’re using jiggle balls, or those knickers that have a vibrator incorporated within, just watch out for their fingers. (And don’t shake hands with anyone.)

            Yes, they may be our new best friends; masturbation may be the snack between meals but let’s not get too carried away girls, eh?


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