The Patch

May 13, 2007

Sunday 13th May- The Bumper Eurovision Round Up

Filed under: Celebrity/TV,Miscellany,Music & Film — Ames @ 11:22 am

Get out the glittery lycra, bring on the vodka and find yourself a comfortable position infront of the television. Yes folks, it’s that time of year again, and like every other blog worth its bandwidth, The Patch has its very own lowdown to the 2007 Eurovision Song contest. Predictions for this year? Well the BBC says that the Ukraine should win, and common sense says that we’ll once again find ourselves towards the bottom of the league table. Infact, as good old Terry has pointed out, the contest is pretty much dominated by the Eastern bloc this year, which means anyone else is definitely going to be on the right hand side of that leaderboard tonight. We shall see, maybe the year has changed countries. I’ll be seriously disappointed if so, mind.

But enough with the waffling, and on with The Patch’s Eurovision run-down. Lordi kick off the show with a reprise of their winning entry from last year, Hard Rock Hallelujah (just in case you forgot- how dare you?), and some sparking guitars. Good stuff. We are then introduced to this years’ hosts, an Ashton Kutcher lookalike in a reasonably alright outfit and a woman in a dress that’s actually quite pretty. Unfortuanately from some angles it makes her look pregnant, but this isn’t the Oscars love- for this event this is maybe even too stylish. This isn’t right… Still, we haven’t heard the songs yet, surely they’ll continue in traditions?

Bosnia and Herzogavina
Marija Sestic, Rijeka Bez Imena (River Without a Name)
It’s alright, good dress sense hasn’t remained, and Bosnia’s entry is wearing a rather fetching (aha) green number. A later comment scrolling across the screen asks whether she put some loo rolls up there. I discover that I cannot say Herzogavina. Trying to learn how to pronounce it takes up most of the song, which is more interesting than actually watching it, as it’s a rather bland and boring ‘power ballad’. A disappointing start to the evening. My flatmate, a Eurovision virgin, is asking why the hell this gets put on prime time BBC television. We cannot answer. Next.
DNASH- I love you mi vida
And I love you too Spain. Now this is true Eurovision, folks- too tight white shirts, some camp dance routines and we’re ready to go. Wogan also tells us that they have ‘thrusting trousers’. Perfect. The song’s not great, but it’s in the spirit of the contest so I therefore like it. I get a text from a friend saying ‘go Spain.’

Dmitry Koldon- Work Your Magic
The opening is like some kind of cheap bond rip off. I’m not entirely sure what that’s going to have to do with the song, but there are woman stuck to the walls. Interesting. The lead singer isn’t quite suave enough to be of Bond league though; while his face has definitely been treated to some fake tan, he appears to have used so much that he ran out by the time he got to his arms. The song doesn’t stick out, we’re too busy commenting on his skin tone/ wondering how those women are staying upright.

Dervish- They Can’t Stop the Spring
Terry’s comments in the postcard introduction to this makes me laugh; apparently people go to Finland to kill themselves (they jump into icy holes wearing some fetching bright orange trunks. Just… why?)
And then we get to the song. Oh Ireland, seven time winners of Eurovision and holder of the record, what have you done? The lead singer has a very distinct accent. I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone sing quite so Irishly. Also, what is she wearing. Text from friend reads ‘BEAT THAT DRUM’, which just about sums up the song; a folky piece with lots of drums. The backing people are about 90- surely being in Eurovision is bad enough, without having to resort to it come retirement? I’m not entirely sure what they were trying to achieve with this and actually feel a little sorry for Dervish. They’re trying, bless ’em, but it’s just not working. My Irish flatmate renounces her nationality. And on with the show, please.Finland
Hanna Parkarinen- Leave me Alone
It’s official, Finland have gone Emo. Such a disappointment after Lordi last year as well. There’s singing about God this time; poor old Hanna would rather be dead. Since when did the rock-power-ballad work at the Euro? Can’t see the competition returning to Helsinki next year I’m afraid. Which is such a shame, as these picture postcards are wonderful.

The host has changed. I’m not sure if she did this before or not, but this is the first time I’ve noticed. Unfortunately the black has now gone, in favour of a glorious lime green, shiny number. My eyes sting. I suppose I asked for it by being upset by the ‘classiness’ of the previous black number. They find a Eurovision fan cleverly planted in the audience. By cleverly planted, this means that her chair is basically in the middle of aisle and she’s the only person in a prom dress for miles around. And it’s not exactly a hard to miss dress either, being a lovely garish, plasticy looking pink number. The ‘fan’ looks like a mutilated Barbie and the clashing vibrant colours on screen are really taking their tole on my retinas. The bouffiness of her dress provokes debate about whether she’s in a wheelchair or not as we cannot see any sign of legs. She isn’t, so we no longer feel guilty for laughing at this prospect. But this contest is long enough as it is, can we get on with the ‘music’ please?

FYR Macedonia
Karolina- Mojet Svet (My World)
Does anyone else find that Eurovision makes them horribly aware of how absolutely awful their European geography is? I’ve watched this competition for God knows how many years and I still have no idea about where most of these countries are. I’m sure I’ll find out where it’s near when it comes to the voting mind.

I didn’t see this entry, and therefore cannot comment. Google tells me that it was a power ballad in a language I wouldn’t understand. I’m sorry to have missed out…

Alenka Gotar- Cvet Z Juga (Wikipedia says this means ‘Flowers of the South’, though Terry tells us that it translates to ‘Talk to the Hand’. Who to believe?!)
The song wants to be opera and it’s failing miserably. If those dresses ruined my eyes before, this song is going to destroy my ears. If anyone’s ever said Eurovision is bad for your health than they were so right…

4Fun- Love or Leave
The name of the band and song give you expectations of another camp Euro classic. With the absence of countries like Malta and Portugal, these seem to have been severely lacking this year. I’m still upset that the transsexual didn’t get into the final round (or at least the one who was open about it anyway, I’m still suspicious about Serbia’s entry). However, once again we have some folky singer, the band only see as shadows behind a screen. For some reason I’ve scrawled down ‘fake-ass Spanish taverna’, which I suppose sums up the mood of this song. I notice the possibility to press the red button and sing along. Much destruction could be caused through the use of such a device I feel, and I resist. 4fun disappoint me.

Sarbel- Yassou Maria
Terry promises thrusting, so obviously I’m excited. However, someone’s been paying a bit too much attention to Livin the Vida Loca, both the dance routine, music, and lyrics. It’s about some woman called Maria, ‘an angel in a devil’s dress’, who is tempting him. There is also some reference to cheeky girls, though I’m not entirely sure if the Greeks have been subjected to this ‘band’ yet. Either way, Ricky Martin (or whoever actually wrote the songs) probably has some grounds to sue, but it’s an enjoyable effort.

My love of Terry Wogan increases immensely as he takes the piss out of the amount of ‘Goths’ in the next introductory video. That short segment is the most I laugh all night. I want a pocket Terry to carry around in my pocket- you’d be the life and soul of parties with him feeding you lines, I tell you.

Sopha- Visionary Dream
We’re told to expect sword fighting. Brilliant. Besides this, the only thing worthy of note about Georgia’s entry is that she was deemed the best looking by the male members of the flat.

The Ark- The Worrying Kind
Is he singing about breasts? I swear he’s singing about breasts. This song is quite catchy, I do like. It won’t win, or get many points at all, really, as Sweden is unfortunately not close enough to the Eastern Clique, but I enjoyed it anyway. Although what a waste of tin foil…

An ‘advert break’, but seeing as this is the BBC we get some good old Finnish entertainment instead. Like Wogan, I think I’d rather have the adverts. Pink dress is back with a vengeance, talking to some people watching the whole thing on a big screen somewhere in Helsinki. Strange, strange people. Pink Dress Girl appears to not be able to open her eyes, which might be why she addresses the whole crowd as ‘her children’. Wogan says that she’s ruining something, but I don’t quite catch what. His dinner, maybe? There is some man dancing in the background. Apparently he’s English. He’s the best thing I’ve seen from our country at the Euro in years- why isn’t he representing us instead of that Godawful Scooch, eh?

Les Fatals Pricards- L’Amour a La Francaise (Love- the French Way)
“He’s one person who shouldn’t have long hair…” “Oh wait, is that a fake-ass cat on his shoulder?” And so begins the French entry, which basically consists of fake-ass cat man running around, saying a few words, and making as much of a tit of himself as we do later. The song title is somewhat disturbing, and suggests that the French have moved on from the whole ‘Paris= city of love’, French= romantic image, their relationships revolving a little to heavily around manicness and animals instead. Hmm…

Latvia Questa Notte
Why Italian, exactly? Latvia’s nowhere near Italy is it? A little bit like someone trying to hard to write a musical. I get bored and stop paying attention.

Serebro- Song #1
See, this song confuses me. It’s a ‘girl-band’, and they act all ’empowered woman’, I’ve got my bitches beside me, etc, etc. Except then they start offering up their cherry on a cherry pie shaped plate. I’d tell them to have some respect, but the hail from the same country that produced Tatu, so maybe women are still celebrating some kind of sexual freedom that came with the end of Communism? Either way, the song appears to be a hit with males at the other side of the bar, and with four girls offering up their “bad ass baby” I can’t really say I’m surprised.

Why hasn’t Ikea popped up on any of the intros yet? Or fish-slapping dances? I’m very disappointed.

Roger Cicero- Frauen regieren die Welt (Women rule the world)
A text from a friend “Wow, swing is actually bearable in German!”. They’re right, this entry is awesome, and not just because apparently we women rule the world (something nobody’s going to believe will ever happen after Russia’s little entry). I may be biased due to being a little bit of a German-language Geek, but this is still the best entry so far. Someone points out that he has a huge name. No, literally, I’m loving the big lights above his head, it makes it look as though he’s trying his luck in old-time New York. Thinking about it, how are they changing the sets so quickly?!

Why aren’t the BBC writing the lyrics properly? GERMAN NOUNS HAVE CAPITALS, DAMMIT. It looks very weird without them…

Still, go Germany!

Marija Serifovic- Molivita (Prayer)
So this is basically one big lesbian orgy, right? They look like they’re supporting some charity or another with those red bands- they certainly don’t look like they’re beauty queens for their country with some kind of sash, anyway. The lead looks suspiciously like my very, very feminist Philosophy lecturer. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was masquerading as a Serbian singer in her free time actually; she throws board rubbers around and talks about anti-gravity machines, mind, so very little ‘secrets’ about her would shock me. I feel that the last three songs have been very interestingly placed together: ‘women try to be hard, but definitely are just sexual objects’ -> ‘women rule the world’ (by a man)-> yes, yes we bloody well do, but we’re nothing to do with you, shoot back some lesbians. Someone was definitely having some fun with the supposed random order I feel.

I actually can’t remember anything about this song…

I feel Finland are scraping the barrel somewhat with these introductions. The Moomins playing chess with Santa? OK then. Moomins are weird. Where did that tv show go anyway?

Verka Serduchka- Dancing Lasha Tumbai
Another text: “I love Ukraine”. And so you should, even if their outfits make them look a little bit like a a cross between a fly and a fish. According to the BBC, this was the bookies favourite, and it’s not hard to see why. This is PROPER Eurovision, and it makes me want to join them as they order us to ‘tanzen’. Hoorah for the Ukraine.

United Kingdom
Scooch- Flying the Flag (for You)
And I wish you weren’t, seriously. Why the hell did we vote for this Steps rip-off band to represent us in Eurovision exactly, it’s blatantly some lame-ass attempt to suck up to all the European countries by mentioning their capital cities in the song. Well done Scooch, you can pronounce them. Next text, could you tell me where they are? I thought not. They bababababa away, and add in a few lame-ass attempts at double entendres throughout. I wish you a pleasurable journey (Could you imagine having Scooch as your cabin crew? I think I’d cry…). Even better ‘would you like something to suck of for landing sir?’ Will the European countries even get it? If they do, would it count for or against us? Well, Russia might give us some points, dirty buggers. Otherwise, this may be the catchiest song of the night (unfortunately), but apart from that it’s pretty shocking. As if Europeans didn’t have enough to take the piss out of, we go and offer up this. And in a year when they all seem to have gone emo and rocky as well. Sodding Lordi, taking away the campness of Eurovision. We should have let Morrissey enter after all.

Todomondo- Liubi, Liubi I love you (Love, love I love you)
I really think I’d burst out in laughter if someone proclaimed that they ‘liubi’ed me. Especially if they did it in the style of this song. I feel a Spanishy vibe- trying to pick up Western European votes, is it? But then I also expect Cossack dancers. A very odd mix indeed.

Elitsa Todorova and Stoyan Yankoulov- Water
This is… odd… I’m glad I’m not drunk as this would be extremely disorientating. A little bit like something you’d expect from an underground club. I’m just plain confused.

Kenan Dogulu- Shake it up Shekerim
More thrusting- I’ll sleep happy. The Turks shake themselves silly for Eurovision, but apart from that there’s not a huge amount memorable about the song. It makes us laugh at least.

Hayko- Anytime you need
And it’s yet another ballad. Bring back the cheese, dammit, this year has been seriously lacking and I’m desperately missing it. Even modulations seem to have been thin on the ground, or maybe the songs have just been so ‘bleh’ that I’ve not been listening carefully enough to notice. Either way, people have begun to take this contest way too seriously. I am not impressed. Boring, boring, boring. Let’s get to the end of these entries now, we all know Germany should (and won’t) win, followed by the Ukraine.

Natalia Barbu- Fight
Some violins and another pesky boring song. Can we just get on with the voting now, that’s the most amusing bit after all. Or at least, when you can hear Wogan’s commentary it is.

Santa marks the start of the voting. I thought Santa came from Greenland? Maybe he moves every year so the children don’t manage to find him. Also, this is definitely spoiling the illusion for any children still watching (although why any half-decent parents would allow them to is questionable, Eurovision could certainly traumatise young children for life…)- Santa’s meant to stay in all year and make presents, dammit. The one time he dared venture out he got sunburn (anyone else remember that book) Apparently Eurovision is a very special occasion. I’d beg to disagree. Oh Santa.

Terry’s started with the Eastern bloc references. Will any Western European countries make it to the top of the leaderboard? I have a feeling that Germany will, undeservedly, be left languishing down the bottom with us. Poor Roger, he isn’t deserving of such treatment.

We are treated to half time ‘entertainment’. There’s a man in a giant condom and some band who are apparently quite famous furiously playing some double basses. Don’t snap them, folks- wooden string instruments surely aren’t the best choice for people with that much anger? Acrobats look like they’re about to drop on Giant Condom. Man finally bursts out of condom, just as we thought he was going to suffocate in there. To prove his being alive, he sticks some big light down his mouth. There are no words.

And the Pink Dress Girl is back floating around backstage. At some point she asks the Swedes how pretty she is on a scale of 1-10. After appearing to be a little taken aback (or maybe trying to think of a diplomatic way to say ‘0 point’) They answer that this scale is not big enough for her. I secretly hope they mean that she would be in minus numbers. Someone cleverly says ’12 points’ and the tension is broken. Please, please get on with the voting before you embarrass yourself even more, woman.

And so the voting begins. The usual people get 12 points from each other- 12 to Serbia from Montenegro, Russia 12 from Belarus, Cyprus 12 to Greece. Terry is in his element. Eastern Bloc countries take the top as the UK, Latvia and Ireland languish down the bottom. Now we expect to be down there, nobody likes us. But poor old Latvia- you have no excuse. It must be a pretty shit feeling to know that not even your neighbours want to vote for you. I feel a little sorry for the pseudo-Italian team, then remember their song and am reminded of why they’re down the bottom of the table. But soon Ireland and Latvia pick up some votes. Once again we’re the only country left with 0 points. Surely this can’t be another repeat of Gemini (Jemini?)- we were bad, but not quite that bad. Serbia are winning. Why? Just… why? Ukraine are second, though, which gives me some comfort that people are still voting for some good old tack. Pink Dress interviews Scooch at some point, who then moves on to Serbia. I actually feel a little bad for them. Even Ireland have been voted for over us! But of course they help us out, giving us 7 points. Terry finally makes a positive remark about bloc voting. I feel bad that we don’t repay Ireland back for their kindness later on in the evening. Still, their song was shit. At least we didn’t try too hard… Malta recognises this by giving us… 12 points? Where the hell did that come from? Are Maltans dirty, air-hostess loving buggers at heart? Either way, we’ve now leapt into third-from-bottom place. Woohoo. Serbia are still winning. I still don’t understand. I can’t even remember this song- at least our entry won’t get the hell out of my head. It’s sending me even more insane than this rather predictable voting. Ukraine do catch up for a while, but they’re still not going to beat Serbia. Germany is languishing down the bottom half of the table, which is rather upsetting. Stupid Europeans, no taste at all. *Insert predictable remark re: Eurovision/ lack of taste here*

Why do we give Turkey our 12? Apparently we are fans of the shaking. Why not the Ukraine, dammit? Or, even better, Germany. Ha, UK give 12 points to Germany- I think Terry would explode.

We finish off with a brilliant 19 points. Well done Scooch. For some reason the Serbians have won. How the hell did that happen? The bookies are going to be happy tonight, I’m thinking not many would have placed a bet on some butch lesbians winning the Euro. And so, with the official mini-finale, the Eurovision Song Contest is over for another year. 2007 has been a bit of a disappointment- Lordi winning last year appears to have provoked a host of rock wannabe entries that just don’t stick in your head the same way that some good ol’ Bucks Fizz style cheese would. Anyone else spot Scooch’s reference to the band? Maybe they were reminding people that we produce Eurovision winning songs, even if they know theirs definitely isn’t. What a way to end an already flagging career, ‘eh? Who was our entry last year, again?

Anyway, it’s been fun, folks. See you next year in Serbia.



  1. Ukraine were robbed!


    Comment by Claire — May 13, 2007 @ 4:16 pm | Reply

  2. I’m quite disappointed I missed this now.

    Comment by Thomas Meek — May 15, 2007 @ 1:00 pm | Reply

  3. When I say ‘quite’ I mean ‘not’.

    Comment by Thomas Meek — May 15, 2007 @ 1:01 pm | Reply

  4. I bet you’re crying yourself to sleep over it really.

    Comment by Ames — May 15, 2007 @ 4:46 pm | Reply

  5. 1 – Since IKEA is Swedish, it would be odd if they had it representing Finland.

    2 – They were cellos, rather than double basses.

    3 – Santa is there because some countries believe he comes from Lapland, a region in the north of Finland.

    4 – Malta is an ex-British colony and still contains many British expats.

    5 – TANZEN!

    Comment by freshlysqueezedcynic — May 15, 2007 @ 5:03 pm | Reply

  6. Aaaah see I thought maybe they were cellos, but then I read something by a Eurovision critiquey person who I presumed knew more than me, and they said double basses… Turns out they didn’t. Bah, will trust my instincts next time.

    And I so knew that about Sweden. Yup, yup indeed.

    The ex-pats thing… surely then we’d get at least SOME points from Spain? I guess there’s a lower percentage of expats there it being so big, but still… you’d think they’d give us a little bit of support 😛 (Not that we deserved it, but you know…)

    TANZEN is the way forward!

    Comment by Ames — May 15, 2007 @ 6:26 pm | Reply

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