The Patch

June 2, 2007

Friday 1st June – What Kind of Fuck Wit Still Buys The (‘Bumble Bee’ – Ed)?

Filed under: Music & Film — Free Edinburgh Podcast @ 2:14 am

Oh cripes. One wannabe music journo writing a piece criticising the most popular music magazine in the country is neither the most thrilling nor respectful moments of The Patch, but I desire to vent some torrid aggression that’s playing havoc with my insides, and this week’s edition of the (‘Bumble Bee’ – Ed), not that I read it weekly understand, has particular taking a fancy to my goat. The bastard.

Where to begin with this glossy representation of sin and apathy? It’s utter devotion to promoting the most mediocre of today’s musical artists? It’s tendency to be little more than Heat with guitars (and stupid fucking hair)? It’s attitude akin to that of a teenager, in that everything they say is right and everyone who disagrees must be wrong and conspiring against them? Or for having the most off putting cover of any magazine ever on this week’s edition?

OK, I’m going to side step a little here first. In case you haven’t seen the cover, here it is. Oh dear.

Beth Ditto is apparently the ‘coolest’ person in rock. Thus her bland tunes appear on painful shows that glorify middle class rebellion in such a contrived fashion as to make you want to rip the lungs out of every Channel 4 executive wanting to ‘get down’ with the youth, and her ungainly face adorns as many billboards and magazine’s as Caprice’s tits back in the day.

But why? Why is she so cool? It seems to be just because (‘Bumble Bee’ – Ed) have proclaimed her as such, and so every word she says, every representation she forces down our throats, every note she sings, must be important and definitive and revolutionary. Christ.

I have not heard anyone talk about or read any article that mentions her weight. Apart from when the words come from her very own mouth. She is the only one who makes her weight an issue. Nobody else gives a fucking fuckity fuck. So I can only wish for her to shut up about it. It’s hardly a ‘cool’ thing to be that obese anyhow. Seriously kids, do not aspire to be like this woman. Do not take pride in the fact that she’s being herself and playing to nobody’s rules. Being overweight is a bad thing. It’s unnatural, unhealthy, unattractive and far from anything anyone could possibly see as remotely cool. Being that overweight is just as ugly and hazardous as being a size zero. People should not want to be these extremes. They should desire to be as healthy and fruitful as possible. This is what is cool and what people should clamour to be. Yet this apathy for self respect, and seemingly conscious desire to be as far from any natural convention of health and beauty, is what has caused Conor McNicholas to constantly jizz his manload all over the inside of his skinny jeans for the past few months.

Beth Ditto is not ‘cool’ people. Her desire to chastise anyone and everyone before they even get their say is tedious and unnecessary. She is the only one obsessed with the issues that she always seems to think are the reason why there is so much attention on her. Nobody particularly cares if you are a fat lesbian who used to eat squirrels. Seriously, we don’t. What we do care about is your music, something that you have not even encroached upon in any interview or feature that has crossed the path of these eyes. And it is passable enough. There’s no danger of your name going down with Janis, Joni, Billie, Dusty, Aretha and the other great names amongst female vocalists, but you seem to have got the attention of this numbed generation for a little while, so make the most of it. Say something positive. Chastise the horrid homophobia that’s rife in Eastern Europe or something. Go out and protest like the mighty Richard Fairbrass. Tell people that your weight is not one of great health benefits and is not something to be coveted, yet also tell them that it really is okay to be homosexual. Don’t gloat and rave about it in that vehement fashion that paints you solely as the victim that you seem so keen on doing, but give the logical side of the argument, and attack (in hopefully a controlled and respectful yet oh so cutting manner) those who are in ‘the wrong’ about issues. Oh, and make some better songs.

What an indulgence. Anyway, back to the (‘Bumble Bee’ – Ed) in general. It is a retarded publication. A horrible mix of missed opportunities, hackneyed reporting and a desire for celebrity. The music promoted to such hideous lengths is often lacking in any substance beneath those jaunty haircuts and cherry picked clothing. When a band so dependent on an aesthetic to appeal to the music buying public such as The Horrors are awarded such ample cover space to promote their very own brand of ‘schmindie’, then you know the magazine really does not value what merit music can have.

Impossibly great bands of this generation are all to often ignored or shoved into tiny album and singles reviews which the majority of the readership skip over because the gel’s got into their eyes and it hurts to read. These bands like Modest Mouse, The National, The Twilight Sad, Rilo Kiley that do actually matter and are actually creating spectacular music in their own timid little way are forced to the sidelines by yet another curly haired tosser in a hat.

When they do find a band of genuine worth that is also creating the same sort of music that they all seem to agree is the only kind worth hearing, then that band are so constantly forced upon an already cynical public. The only thing stopping Arctic Monkeys being turned into some horrid, egotistical monster, persistently whored out by this awful magazine is Arctic Monkeys themselves. All too aware of the farce that is the popular music press, Alex Turner and his lot have shown (‘Bumble Bee’ – Ed) up for the silly little childish publication it is. Forever lampooned and satirised by those Sheffield boys, its writers seem unable to comprehend that what they’re forever proclaiming to be the most important, wonderful, kick ass band since all time ever like, are just of lads creating great music all too aware that they are just a bunch of lads creating great music.

God, it’s 2am. I don’t know what I’m writing anymore. I’m high on milk and solitude. Yeah, so. Stop with the gimmicks. Stop with this smug self satisfaction. Stop with the hypocrisy that invaded every single word you write. Stop with the promotion of inane, unmemorable, unoriginal artists that add nothing and go nowhere. Christ, just read your bloody magazine for fuck’s sake. See if you feel any self loathing afterwards. Are you embarrassed? Are you ashamed? You should be. That feeling at the bottom of your spine, slowly clawing its way up to the nape of your neck, making you shiver along the way, you know what that is? That’s the feeling of knowing you’re guilty of creating a moronic youth that worships Beth Ditto, Gerard Way, Pete Wentz, Pete Doherty, Alex Turner, Lily Allen, Luke Pritchard and all their ilk as people to want to be. Nobody should want to be any of them. Nobody should want to be anything they’re not. Everybody should just forget this. Ignore all these words. I’m just as bad really. Be yourself. Yes. Good. Good night everybody. Now what to do with those toss salads and scrambled eggs?



Record of the Week

Romo Goth by Department of Eagles. Because it holds more merit than most.


Next week – Hired Guns!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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