The Patch

February 21, 2009

I Don’t Like Mondays: A Year of Musical Hell

Filed under: I Don't Like Mondays — freshlysqueezedcynic @ 11:40 pm

We apologise for the delay, but the Patch is back in action, and with an unfortunate new remit.

I want to shoot the whole day down.

I’ve been fairly lax in projects that I want to complete, including, as is painfully clear due to our hiatus, The Patch, and that’s a personal failing of mine. It’s one, really, that I’m not prepared to accept. And it’s one that I want to rectify by taking something to fruition. Something interesting. Something, hopefully, funny. Something that can challenge my writing skills. And, because it’s me, something that will inflict terrible levels of mental and spiritual pain.

The project is this; every week, for one whole year, I will find a terrible album, either requested in comments here or at our sister site, The Vegetable Revolution, or one I’ve found myself in a search for unremitting horror. Then I will listen to it. Then I will write about it, hopefully in a way that conveys the sheer horror of what I’m listening to. I would like to say that this is making a statement by converting bad art into good art, or how we might be pleasantly surprised by where our journey takes us, how we might rehabilitate the reputation of that which has been unfairly maligned, or saying something about how music can touch us, even if in this case the music touches us in a way that puts it on the Sex Offenders’ Register.

But alas, mostly it is for laughs and my own high levels of self-flagellating masochism.

The rules for this project are as follows:

1) I’m doing this. Every Monday, for one whole year, a post should appear. Only death, ebola, or serious accident should prevent me from doing this. If I’m not, you have permission to kick my arse. Failing that, a more suitable punishment; fail to do this and I will destroy one album from my collection that I do not consider it a mistake to have bought, chosen in a poll by members of VR, in a manner chosen by members of VR, with photographic evidence posted on both sites.

2) The album has to have sold reasonably well and/or be reasonably well known, in other words, have some kind of cultural cachet. No basement-dwelling unsigned wanker who was so bad even the general public rejected him, because that’s far too easy.

3) Related to 2, the album must be acquirable through means that allow me to listen to this kind of stuff without any money. You didn’t think I was going to pay to listen to dreck, did you?

4) Variety is the spice of life. I don’t think I’d be able to write consistently or engagingly about 52 different dance albums, or 52 different pop albums, etc, etc. Differing genres and differing styles will be welcomed and ruthlessly slated.

5) Related to 4, only one album per artist.

6) No kids albums. Kids don’t know shit about anything. That is why all the stuff made specifically for them is shit. Again, far too easy.

7) All rules except number 1 can be broken in the interests of entertainment of you, the viewing public.

Comment suggestions, or rules you think should exist that I’ve missed, and hopefully the terror shall begin, the Monday after next.

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