Sunday 18th February-Britney Loses It While I Watch Hollyoaks.

Britney Spears Watch
As spring comes upon us, bird watchers everywhere, risk bird flu and frostbite to watch poor little birds make their journey back for the summer. As spring comes upon us, celebrity gossip blogs everywhere, risk herpes and brain aneurysms to watch poor little Britney Spears self destruct. Both are noble quests.

On Friday 16th February, news emerged that Britney Spears had entered Eric Clapton’s Crossroads Centre in Antigua. Eric Clapton’s Crossroads Centre prides itself on being “an International Centre of Excellence for the treatment of alcohol, drugs and other addictive disorders.” Britney Spears must have thought it was a weird bar or a chance to spend time with her kids, because she checked out less than 24 hours later. Either, Eric Clapton’s centre has super magic powers that healed Britney in record timing or Britney just cannot stop the train wreck that is her life. Upon her return to LA, she made her way to a hairdresser in San Fernando Valley to plead with them to shave her head. The hairdresser refused so Britney picked up the shears and began to do it herself. She then headed to a tattoo parlour in Sherwood Oaks in order to complete the burned out pop star meets Hells Angel look.

The tattoo artists enquired as to why she had shaved her head, to which she replied “I don’t want anyone touching me. I’m tired of everybody touching me.” Britney got two tattoos; a black-white-and-pink cross tattooed on her lower hip and red lips on her wrist for a price of $80. One of the tattoo artists, Emily Hughes told Usmagazine.com that “She wasn’t making sense at all and you could tell she’s not in a good place at all, and that she is totally freaking out.”

Shaving your head and getting a tattoo within the space of two hours is a good indicator of how much someone is ‘freaking out.’ Britney Spears’ reps could not be reached to confirm or deny the rehab reports, or even speculate on why on earth she shaved her head. Evidently she has finally lost it and no amount of denial or spin could possibly erase the photos of Britney Spears chopping off all of her hair. These pictures are disturbing, but they are obviously a cry for help from a girl who is either too stupid or too messed up to accept it.

My TV Diary

Before I did this diary, I thought I watched fairly little television. That has been revealed to be a huge lie. I suggest everyone who still lives at home with the parents to carry out this experiment. Or anyone who has Sky Plus because inevitably, you record programmes you would ordinarily not bother with due to bad scheduling and this merely adds to your viewing hours and the destruction of your soul.

Sunday 11th February

7.30pm:  Laguna Beach- The Real OC on MTV.
I know. I really know. I’m too smart for this show! I’m too cool for this show! But this week, Rocky got back together with Alex and they had prom and they were all crying and it was very scandalous. I really don’t know why I watch this show. I promise to stop.

9.30pm: The West Wing on More4 (sky plus recording so was watched later on)
I would have watched it at 8pm when it was on but I had to wait for my older brother. We’re super cool and spend every Sunday evening together, eating dessert and watching old episodes of The West Wing. It’s really quite a lovely way to spend an evening.

Monday 12th February

4.pm: Lost- Sky One (sky plus recording so was watched later on)
I despise this show. I hate it, yet I still watch it. There are so many questions and conspiracy theories involved with Lost and they won’t be answered ever. Its like Tupac and Biggie Smalls all over again and I just can’t take it anymore. I’ll continue to watch it for Sawyer’s chest, but should he die, the season link will be deleted and I shall never bother with Lost again. In fact, at this point, I don’t think I’ll bother with Lost anymore.

5pm: Entourage- ITV3 (sky plus recording so was watched later on)
It’s a very good show. A hidden gem as I don’t know anyone else who watches it in this country, although, it’s huge in America. There isn’t a lot to say on it as it just fills time for me.

7pm: Hollyoaks- E4
Don’t worry; I’m sufficiently ashamed of myself.

9pm: America’s Next Top Model- Living TV
I never used to be ashamed of loving this show. It used to be hilarious and a fun little way to waste some time. It’s never made me think too hard or made me sad. Watching skinny girls bitch, cry and pose for an hour was funny as they were utterly deluded and were so obviously set up for failure, post ANTM. Season seven has been less interesting as the girls are repetitive, boring and have delusions of grandeur. They aren’t even that pretty anymore. Tyra Banks has gone from being a sage host to psychotic lady and Janice Dickenson, who was a joy to watch, has been replaced by Twiggy, who is wetter than an M&S chocolate sponge.

10.35pm: Sex and the City- Paramount Comedy
It was the one where Carrie sleeps with the Russian and is all confused as to where they stand. It was a good one.

Tuesday 13th February

5.35pm: Neighbours- BBC One
Was this the one where Katya got shot? I don’t care either way. The soap has been horrendous lately.

7pm: Hollyoaks- E4
I know, I know! It’s just so damn addictive and I love John Paul. He’s gay so he won’t ever love me back but I can watch him and dream and hope.

9pm: The OC- E4
It’s been really good since Mischa Barton died. The character of Taylor is adorable and its worth watching for her alone. It’s sad that the show is going to be ending after it’s returned to form, but it’d be far too hard to maintain this level of fluffy fun.

Wednesday 14th February

7pm: Hollyoaks- E4

8.30pm: The Brit Awards- ITV
I don’t love Russell Brand. He wasn’t particularly funny. I only began watching it when the Killers came on and my love for Brandon Flowers surpasses my love for turtles, shoes and John Paul in Hollyoaks. That’s a lot of love to surpass. Anyway, I only carried on watching it in the hope that Brandon would talk. He did. It was gorgeous.

10pm: Never mind The Buzzcocks- BBC Two
Simon Amstell is fantastic. This episode saw Preston, from The Ordinary Boys walk off set, only to be replaced by a member of the audience. It sounds so sterile when I describe it. You should have watched it. The adorable Fyfe Dangerfield was on too and he was being delightfully weird. Oh and Madge from Neighbours. She’s alive! How cool is that?

Thursday 15th February

4pm: Party Animals-BBC Two (sky plus recording so was watched later on)
See last week’s review. It’s still a good little show, although they kept saying a newly introduced character’s name as if it explained who he was! It didn’t! A little footnote would have been helpful for the more exhausted viewers.

6pm: Desperate Housewives- E4 (sky plus recording so was watched later on)
Bollocks. Utter bollocks.

7pm: Hollyoaks- E4
Ooh, Will is really evil and is making the transvestite think that he’s HIV positive. That’s horrible…and I’m officially hooked.

Friday 16th February

2.30pm: ER- E4 (sky plus recording so was watched later on)
ER has been going on for over 10 years now and shows no sign of ending soon. It’s lost practically its entire original cast but has managed to retain its appeal. I suspect the abundance of hot male doctors is a significant attraction.

5.35pm: Neighbours- BBC One
How on earth does Katya manage to be so annoying while she’s in a coma? She’s in a fucking coma and she’s still irritating. That’s a remarkable talent. She should be given an Oscar or something.

9pm: Ugly Betty- C4
This show has been given a good buzz. It’s won Emmys, has had glowing reviews and Salma Hayek’s cameo was supposed to be hilarious. Except, it isn’t that good. The jokes fall flat with horrendous delivery on the part of Betty or her irritating boyfriend. The best lines are arguably given to the camp nephew or the camp assistant and the pair are the only likeable characters in the whole show. Every episode follows the same plot. Betty is unable to fit in with Mode life, she gets upset, cries in the bathroom, has an epiphany where she resolves to be herself, and she smiles into the camera with her braces. Wilhelmina Slater is a bitch and then shows a softer side, every damn episode! The camp assistant and hot receptionist make bitchy, yet unfunny comments about Betty’s outfit, every damn episode! There is some mystery involving Daniel’s father/ Betty’s father/ Betty’s sister. It’s just not that good. Give Hollyoaks an Emmy, if you’re handing them out to Ugly Betty.

Saturday 17th February

9am: Hollyoaks- E4 (sky plus recording so was watched later on)
I’m unapologetic about this now. Some shows make you think, others make an impact on your life and opinions and some make your brain feel mushy. This show doesn’t do any of that to me and for that, it should be rewarded. Bad shows that know they are bad should be commended, especially in light of Ugly Betty’s ‘bad show that thinks it’s good’ vibe. So, I salute you, Hollyoaks for not making me think, making my brain feel clever when I work out where you’re going before everyone else, and for making me laugh at the sheer stupidity of it all. I salute you.